And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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