he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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