guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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