he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
