Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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