First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
