3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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