Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am spending my child support on dildos
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
