She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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