If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
