If that was your dad, he is hot
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
