I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
