hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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