If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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