this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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