I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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