How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
