You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The air was thick with penises
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
