I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
