I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i drank out of a bidet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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