I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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