i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
