id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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