im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
