Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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