How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
tequila makes me forget i have legs
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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