ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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