im having a threesome with these popsicles
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
