I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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