my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
