Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize