You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
