Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
