Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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