when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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