I will die if light touches me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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