Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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