Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
