...so i touched it.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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