I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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