I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think i have herpe
just one?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
