Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All the doctor said was why
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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