Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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