needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
