Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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