hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
