Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
