I am spending my child support on dildos
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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