if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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