thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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