Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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