can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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