after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
