The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize