i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
