Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize