Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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