will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
