Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
