I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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